


How Not To Get Two Gods Get Together

by ForgottenChesire



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:25:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForgottenChesire/pseuds/ForgottenChesire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are many plethora of groups of Gods and Goddesses. The Greeks, the Romans, the Egyptians (though no likes talking about them or Cupid). The Middle Earth God and Goddesses plus the titans have a problem. One on the proportion of Zeus fucking anything that moves.  Two of their number are in love but <i> they are <b>morons</b></i>. And dammit it's time they do something about it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Plot Or Not To Plot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Stories I'm Not Really Writing, Or: The Ideas Won't Leave Me Alone!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017856) by [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira). 



> The titans are the original Valar. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the elves. If they should be gods or not. I know humans are just humans and the nastier sort of Middle Earth are barbarians. I have a plot that's going to sort of veer of of what alkjira probally thought. But's like the only way I can think of sorta.... Hopefully it's A) good and B) something that alkjira likes. ^^

Dis looks around at the gathered Gods and Goddesses her face set in a determined look. They are gathered to discuss a serious problem in Valinor. Even some of the High Titans are looking in. She is the Goddess of Avenging Love, she helps those who lost their lovers through unjust means and before their time to part. And right now she’s considering branching out and becoming the Goddess of God Killing. Though she’d have to find a way to do it. Her _darling_ oldest brother is a thick-headed idiot.

“I’m sure you all know why we’re gathered here. There are two stubborn morons in our midst's. Love struck morons at that,” she says gripping the podium-like cloud before her. Her husband Vili, God of the Sun, chuckles.

“Bilbo isn’t so much stubborn as self-doubting and thinks Thorin hates him.”

Dis waves her hands.

“Semantics. Does anyone have _any_ plans, or shall we try and hash them out now?”

Kili her darling youngest son, God of Starting Love basically like Cupid from the Greeks only without the diaper, thank god, bounces.

“Why don’t we lock them in a closet?”

There's a loud snort and Dis looks over at Lobelia, Goddess of Revenge.

“Do you want one of them to kill or at least maim the other? If we do go ahead with that my money is on Bilbo.”

Nori the God of Luck smirks.

“I’ll keep that in mind, my Lady.”

Lobelia rolls her eyes and rests her chin on her hand.

“We need something romantic yet not so lovey dovey that Thorin clues in. Why is your brother so emotionally constipated? Is it because he’s the God of Winter?”

“Thorin isn’t so bad,” grumbles Dwalin, God of War and Thorin’s best friend “I’ve seen dimmer Gods.”

Before a fight can break out Dis slams her fist down demanding silence. 

“While I agree with Lobelia that isn’t the problem. Our problem is figuring out how to get them in a romantic situation that Thorin doesn't get his hackles up.”

Lobelia sticks her tongue out at Dwalin and Dis feels a surge of affection for her. Dori hums softly his silver blue eyes narrowed in thought.

“Jealousy doesn’t work or else Thorin would have snapped already… My, this is a bit harder than I thought…”

“Why would have Thorin snapped already?” Bofur pipes up, his brown eyes curious. Dori sighs a very motherly sigh and pats his head- er hat. Clearly, the God of Summer has never seen the glares that Thorin has sent his way many, many times after he spent time with Bilbo. 

“Don’t worry about it dear… Maybe we could invoke Thorin’s protective side? Fili is due back any day, right? He’s coming back from the more barbaric parts of Middle Earth, we could have Bilbo be part of the welcoming party. Of course, we will have Gods like Dwalin watching to make sure he doesn’t actually get hurt.”

“That could work,” Ori says not looking up from his book “Theoretically anyways.”


	2. Onward My Good Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A plan to get the morons together is set. Hopefully it will work! And in the dark someone plots something nasty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I have a tentative plan/idea for what the Elves are. They're basically like Men only pointy eared and long lived (duh) but they also only worship the High Titans (The Valar) while Men are well Men and worship the Gods and Goddesses (Thorin and company).
> 
> I can't go too deep in what the ickier (Goblins, Orcs ect) peoples are without possibly giving to much away.
> 
> I still have no clue what the Wizards should be.....

There is a slight celebration that ends when Ori clears his throat. He gives them unimpressed look that would look more severe on a God like Dwalin or Gloin.

“Theoretically. If you don’t take into account the trouble we’ve been having with the barbarians. They’ve slaughtered the few demigods we have very quickly and without remorse, seemingly enjoying the kill. We’ve been getting reports that they are up to something hence Fili going. No offense to anyone but are we sure we want to risk it?”

“They can’t do anything to us Ori,” Dwalin grumps and Ori looks down at his book a sad look on his face. Dis frowns softly.

“We should be prepared anyways. I want the Gods that were originally going to be on high guard. Dwalin, you get to tell Thorin Bilbo’s going. Bofur, you get to tell Bilbo.”

Bofur smiles and nods his head. He and Bilbo have plans for lunch today so that will work out well. Dwalin grunts, Thorin is his best friend but the male can be very stubborn and he can just see Thorin’s reaction now. Dis dismisses them, pulling Kili in for a hug. The welcoming party is really just Kili making sure that his brother gets back safely and Thorin making sure his nephews don’t do something stupid. The others that go are usually Gods or Goddesses that need a break from the great hall in which they live.

As expected Thorin’s reaction that Bilbo is going is one for the books. First, he rages then he sulks and Dwalin is forced to watch it all. Wondering if maybe he can switch with someone else. Yes, he wants the two to stop dancing around each other but is it worth the headache right now? Dwalin shakes his head, claps Thorin’s shoulder and tells him to quit whining which starts a mild tussle. The welcoming party leaves the next morning, Bilbo looking slightly frightened. The Spring God has never left the halls content to stay in his portion and control the cheeriest of the seasons. The group is small this time with only Kili, Dwalin, Bifur, Thorin, and Bilbo going.

“It’s better this way. The ickies have been acting weird and they’ve always had that nasty habit of ‘spotting’ us when we don’t want them too,” Kili tells Bilbo who looks startled.

“Spot us?”

“Well unless we want them to the mortals don’t really see us. Not even the poncy pointy eared ones that still mainly pray to the High Titans. But then there are the ones that are the other side, the ones the Men are always fighting with. Sometimes they can sorta see where we were.”

“Aye, but they can’t do any harm to us. We’re Gods,” Dwalin says with the air of a person who has said this many times. Kili sticks his tongue out at the War God and conversation ends for the most part. Bilbo trails behind the group and with what most would call an exasperated sigh Thorin drops back as well. Bifur, the badger-colored God of Death glances behind with a hopeful glance. He can’t hear what the two are talking about but surely it has to be good right? The indignant yelp that Bilbo lets out moments later prove otherwise and he sighs.

* * *

  
**“Is it ready?”**

**“Almost my Lord. Soon you shall have the heart of a God.”**


	3. Playing Icarus

_“Why are you here gray one?”_

_“To talk to you.”_

_“Is this their new way of torturing me?”_

_A tinkling laugh echoes in the dark dank dungeon. A pale gray hand lands on the bar._

_“Is my presence so truly disturbing to you that you would call me a torture?”_

_There is a pause before a deep sigh is heard._

_“No, but I would not put it past the others. What do you want to talk about today Nienna?”_

_Dark red eyes peer out from behind cold bars made out of a metal no longer found._

* * *

  
Thorin grumbles as he watches Bilbo talk to everyone but him. Really pointing out that his waistline got smaller as Fall turned to Winter shouldn’t have gotten the response it did. He grunts when Dwalin shoots him a glance. They were getting close to the border where Fili should be showing up. Would he upset the smaller male if he congratulated him on being able to carry the pack the entire way? Probably. Bilbo talks with Kili, a smile on his face that does something to Thorin’s chest.

There were times when he thought maybe the God felt the same, he would catch those eyes staring at him with startling intensity. But then one of them put their foot in their mouth. Bofur never had that problem with Bilbo. He grumbles more and sets to setting up the camp.

“Is that the ickies you were talking about Kili?”

His head shoots up and he moves to Bilbo’s side.

“Aye. See, they’re acting weird. Normally the Goblins stay inside during the day. You can see that they’re hurting and trying to stick to the shade. Oh, look they even have the warlords, the Orcs, the big nasty fellow… Hey, Dwalin think they’re going to attack one of the border towns?”

Dwalin shakes his head.

“I don’t think so.”

“See that pale white one? That’s Azog. He’s killed five of our demi’s. Ate their hearts after cutting off their heads.”

“Why are you telling me this!”

Kili shrugs.

“You shouldn’t be so naive to our world. You could get hurt, I know that we’re Gods Dwalin, but seriously.”

Sensing Bilbo’s discomfort Thorin puts a hesitant hand on his shoulder.

“We are safe up here. They cannot harm us and I will not allow harm to befall you.”

A blush blooms on Bilbo’s face and Thorin feels his lips twitch. The moment passes when Kili lets out a hoot of happiness.

“Fili!!!”

* * *

  
**Ancalagon watches the skies. There were reports of a party moving across the skies. Stupid Gods. Their sentimentalism of welcoming their brethren at the edge of his great land would be the way he would ascend. He is the great King, Ancalagon the Black. He stands several heads taller than even Azog his favorite General. The winds blow and he can see the vague shapes of the Gods that replaced the Titans.**

**“I don’t care which one you hit but try to get more than one,” he growls softly to Azog his black eyes threatening pain if not a single God is hit. It took too many months for his potion to be made, for his great plan to have the slightest chance of working. All the great dark texts spoke of what he plans on doing as wishful thinking. He would show them just what happens when HE decides to do something. The potion made was only enough to coat ten arrows and Azog takes careful aim. The one that had long black hair had caught his eye many times. To distract them he has his other archers take aim as well.**

**“Fire!”**

**There is slight panic and the blurs that are the Gods start to move. He snarls as he misses shot after shot. The one he wants taking command and moving at the last second. He’s down to one arrow and his King is getting agitated. Whispering a prayer to Melkor he draws back and lets the arrow fly. With sick satisfaction he watches the black tipped arrow fly true. Until one of the other blurs, this one a bronze and green, pushes the one out of the way. Everyone can hear the scream of pain as the arrow pierces the God. Praise Melkor the potion worked! The God becomes clear to all eyes watching and it begins to fall. Only it doesn’t fall straight down. As if by some greater force it falls and disappears in a great light. His King lets out a feral scream and shortly after Azog finds himself held by the throat.**

**“You will find him. You will bring him to me not any of the others or else I will kill your son and force you to feast on his flesh!”**

**Author's Note:**

> Bilbo- God of Spring  
> Thorin- God of Winter  
> Dis- Goddess of Avenging Love  
> Vili- God of the Sun  
> Kili- God of Starting Love. A lot like Cupid only without the diapers and very bad shots.  
> Dori- God of Mothers (which a lot of outsiders find weird because he’s male)  
> Nori- God of Luck  
> Bifur- God of Death  
> Bofur- God of Summer  
> Dwalin- God of War  
> Oin- God of Healing  
> Lobelia- Goddess of Revenge  
> Ionu- Goddess of Rebirth (Bifur’s wife)  
> Fili-God of Loyalty  
> Balin- God of Wisdom  
> Gloin-God of  
> Bombur- God of cookery (he and Andhrimnir try to cook together but the later is pretty set in his menu)   
> Ori- God of Knowledge (there is a difference between Knowledge and Wisdom. You may have the knowledge of how to do something but not the wisdom of whether you should or not)  
> Vonna (Gloin’s wife)- Goddess of Jewelry and Clockwork Mechanisms  
> Nurra (Bombur’s wife)- Goddess of the Hearth  
> (Thanks to takanorixx and Raveninflight for their help with what a few of the Gods/Goddesses should be. You're the best ^^)
> 
> Ones I need help with  
> Otho


End file.
